Day 10 of The Year

I feel tired today. Tired and agitated. Everything feels uncomfortable- I’m too hot, the tag in my shirt’s too itchy, my hair thing is pulling my hair. I feel uninspired, and uninspiring. I can’t think of anything to say that anyone could ever want to read.

I love my baby, my husband, my family, my friends. Sometimes I like watching mindless shows on TV and reading tabloid magazines, even though I think pop culture basically gives us brain damage and makes us hate ourselves. I drive cars, buy things, eat food from far away. I know I’m part of the problem.

I’m sad. I wish the world was different than it is. I wish the water wasn’t polluted, that there were more fish. I wish I lived in an intact community, with music and laughter swirling around me all day, safe in the center of family and friends.

I wish people weren’t suffering, that all the babies were as happy as my boy, that everyone was as well fed and as loved as I am.

I love the plants and animals on this earth so much it makes my heart ache. I think about all of them living their lives, raising their families, all the interconnectedness and it makes me feel dizzy with love. Finding a hawk feather, or seeing a deer nursing her baby can make my day, my week, my life.

I once read about a clan of wolves who lived for so long in the same area that their paws had worn smooth trails right into the bedrock. I can’t tell you how that makes me feel. How it makes me know, in my heart, that God exists.

I pray each night for dreams that will bring me guidance. Show me the next step, send me a message. Sometimes before bed, I say the Hail Mary, and “Now I lay me down to sleep..”. Old habits that still bring comfort. I also pray to my ancestors, to the earth, to the moon, and stars. It doesn’t matter who. It’s the conversation that’s important. The connection to something greater than myself.

When I was a little kid, anytime we found a spider in our house, my dad would gently catch it in a cup and release it outside. I was horrified when I found out other people smashed them without a second thought.

I’m just sad. I wish  the world was different. I won’t stop fighting until it is.

Thanks for listening,

That is all for now,

Love,

Natasha

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3 responses to “

  1. Immense gratitude for another beautiful sharing of your heart and soul. I have been following your posts each night-they seem to show up at just the right moment while I’m up with a baby or having my quiet time after the kids are asleep. I feel a physical gratitude to you for the release you offer through your gift with words.
    Have you heard of Martin Prechtel? He has several books and there’s a recording of him speaking years ago called Grief and Praise. That talk in particular has stayed with me and really informed my experience since I heard it. I think you would love it.

  2. Thank you again Natasha. Your words show your vulnerability, humanity, and deep love. Thanks for continuing the work and for inspiring us!

  3. I definitely share your sorrow, Natasha. Some days I’ll be moving through life when I feel a sudden queasiness in my stomach. It’s sickness at the way our society has lost its grace. Then there are people like you, full of grace, and I feel a little better.

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