In many ways I am finished with this project.
I have my answer.
This grief does not end.
It spirals endlessly,
in constant motion like the waves on the sea,
infinite like space
enormous like our own spinning galaxy.
We are living in complete environmental collapse.
We are participating in a global ecocide.
And it matters
not a all
if I cry rivers of tears
or wear black every day
if I still continue to participate
in a culture
determined to destroy
our own green and thriving planet.
Ultimately, I wanted to see if I could mourn this grief away.
Wail, roar, and howl it out
so it could uncoil from its constrictor’s position around my heart.
But the truth is, this grief is bone deep.
This sadness is cellular.
It is written in the double helix of our DNA.
Passed from generation to generation
starting on the first day we turned our backs on our mother
and lost our way.
There is no moving on from this.
Time does not heal this wound.
Instead, we should wear it.
Proudly on our sleeves and in our hearts.
This grief is what keeps us human.
This sadness is what keeps us alive,
soft and loving
like a child.
If we forget this grief,
push it away, put it to the side,
we turn as monstrous as the rest of them
zombies feeding off the living
when the living are dead.
So hold the grief, don’t shy away.
When it wells up so strong that your body shivers and your teeth chatter in your head,
let it run through you like a freight train,
lighting you up like the heat of a thousand suns.
This grief does not paralyze.
This grief was made to move.
And as I write this,
I’m sure of it.
I’m finished with this project.
My apologies to Wil, and Michelle, because I did not discuss this with you first. Please feel free to continue if you want.
I don’t know what will happen next,
but I know I’m ready for the next step.
My heart is more broken than ever
but somehow the breaking helps it heal too.
I am so in love.
My life is for you.
I might continue to wear black. I might not.
I might continue to write. I might not.
It doesn’t really matter either way.
But one thing is for certain.
Despite all the pain and suffering and sadness and grief
in the world right now
we are sill incredibly lucky to be living through this time.
Because we are the ones who get the chance to fight.
Hold on to what you love and don’t let go.
Thank you for listening,
all these months
to my ramblings.
It has been the greatest gift.
Please forgive me.
I love you.