It’s funny, at this point in the project, I’m running out of things to say.
Not in the “I’m all talked out and have no more ideas” kind of way,
but in the “there are so many layers to this that I can’t figure out how to write about most of them” kind of way. So sometimes it feels easier not to try, to keep my feelings tucked inside, hidden away from the light. But I need to talk about this process, and I need to talk about this process with others who are going through it too. The mourning.
I guess in the beginning, I was hoping that at some point the grief would feel lessened. That I’d wake up one morning and have some distance from it. That time would heal this wound, these heartbreaks, this constant aching sadness.
But if anything, now the grief is MORE intense, the anger and sadness larger and more powerful. Instead of wrapping around my insides and my heart like a coiled, cold blooded snake, it courses through my veins like venom, buries into the marrow of my bones. It is now woven into the very fiber of my being.
This grief doesn’t fade. It grows and compounds with each passing day and every ticking minute.
But instead of pulling me down
it has awakened me, lifted me from my slumber so my eyes and heart are opened each day to all the pain and suffering around me.
Loss like this begs for love, for remembering. It wants so badly to be noticed. Its so frightened of being forgotten, getting lost in the sands of time.
I’m furious at the ones running this world into the ground.
My emotions are so strong now, there’s a fire
where it had been nearly put out before.
I’m not afraid to feel anymore, I’m not afraid to let it all in. Or out.
Yes I am in mourning. Yes my heart is broken. Yes I am so angry I could scream.
This grief doesn’t go away.
But that’s a good thing
because it means I am ALIVE.
feels really fucking amazing.
We are made to believe that sadness is terrible, that we should strive for happiness all the time.
Sadness is part of our warning system, a screaming from inside ourselves telling us something is wrong, telling us we need to take notice, telling us to remember to love.
Don’t be frightened of the sadness. It will not swallow you up.
It will clean out all the cobwebs, and clear the fuzz from your head.
Let yourself look at all the suffering.
It will wake you up. It will make you change. It will make you want to fight.
And that’s exactly what we need.
Please do not be afraid. You are strong
and we are all here together
Thank you for listening,