The end

In many ways I am finished with this project.

I have my answer.

This grief does not end.

It spirals endlessly,

in constant motion like the waves on the sea,

infinite like space

enormous like our own spinning galaxy.

We are living in complete environmental collapse.

We are participating in a global ecocide.

And it matters

not a all

if I cry rivers of tears

or wear black every day

if I still continue to participate

in a culture

determined to destroy

our own green and thriving planet.

Ultimately, I wanted to see if I could mourn this grief away.

Wail, roar, and howl it out

so it could uncoil from its constrictor’s position around my heart.

But the truth is, this grief is bone deep.

This sadness is cellular.

It is written in the double helix of our DNA.

Passed from generation to generation

starting on the first day we turned our backs on our mother

and forgot
and lost our way.

There is no moving on from this.

Time does not heal this wound.

Instead, we should wear it.

Proudly on our sleeves and in our hearts.

This grief is what keeps us human.

This sadness is what keeps us alive,
eyes open,

soft and loving
like a child.

If we forget this grief,

push it away, put it to the side,

we turn as monstrous as the rest of them

zombies feeding off the living

only happy

when the living are dead.

So hold the grief, don’t shy away.

When it wells up so strong that your body shivers and your teeth chatter in your head,

let it run through you like a freight train,

lighting you up like the heat of a thousand suns.

This grief does not paralyze.

This grief was made to move.

You.
Me.
Us.

Mountains.

Whole worlds.

And as I write this,

I’m sure of it.

I’m finished with this project.

My apologies to Wil, and Michelle, because I did not discuss this with you first. Please feel free to continue if you want.

I don’t know what will happen next,

but I know I’m ready for the next step.

My heart is more broken than ever

but somehow the breaking helps it heal too.

Monarchs

Honey Bees

Rhinos

Gorillas

Elephants

Frogs

Fish

Trees

Plants

Water

Wil

Zander

Revel

Earth

I am so in love.

My life is for you.

I might continue to wear black. I might not.

I might continue to write. I might not.

It doesn’t really matter either way.

But one thing is for certain.

Despite all the pain and suffering and sadness and grief

in the world right now

we are sill incredibly lucky to be living through this time.

Why?

Because we are the ones who get the chance to fight.

And

it

is

time.

Hold on to what you love and don’t let go.

Thank you for listening,

all these months

to my ramblings.

It has been the greatest gift.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you

I love you.

Natasha

photo by Shauna Yorty

photo by Shauna Yorty

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6 responses to “The end

  1. I hear you, and am with you.
    I love you.

  2. tash, what an honor to have been part of this, for my photos to show in some small way that this broken, ravaged world is still heartbreakingly beautiful, still grows, still loves and accepts love. for this, for everything, thank you. i love you. i’m learning how to channel the endless love and grief cycles that we and earth both must experience, and i wouldn’t be here without you.

  3. Sorry to see the end, but I completely understand. You voiced the grief, helplessness, and guilt we all (or should) feel. I still hope the world will become a better place, but on some days, I think the battle is already lost. Thank you for all the great outpouring. This was some outstanding writing!

  4. This was a wonderful project. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.

  5. I’m sorry.

    Please forgive me.

    Thank you

    I love you.

    Blessed be, Natasha, earth-warrior!

  6. I’m honored. I am sorry. I’m grateful.
    Love.

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